Whats better than a cup of tea when you are in trauma? A toasted cheese sandwich. That yellow warm oozing goodness brings comfort, a blanket of care and just the right amount of fat, salt and textural goodness to ease the nastiest of sensory overload episodes. But wait….let me bring you something even bigger, and more Ben Hur. Let me present the mother of all Trauma. The ultimate in terrorising episodes. The one that has you rocking in foetal position in the corner, screaming NO! NO! NO! over and over until the neighbours call the cops convinced you are being murdered, the one that has you believing that you are being eaten alive before your very eyes, limb by limb. It creeps over your brain, from the right, a memory that you dont want, a memory that is now intruding. A memory that you have been running from SO. DAMN. HARD. for most of your life.

But Pandemic.

So when we stop, things catch up.

No more drug dealing, boarder runs, chasing junior expats, playing with mafia, chem sex, workaholism, alcoholism or any of the other isms. Oh, no. Pandemic says, sit down. SIT THE FUCK DOWN. Pandemic says let me remove every damn distraction you have be playing hard on until nothing is left except your repressed memories. Your beloved tour guests will steal your last cent, you won’t be able to pay school fees, your sexuality will change, your marriage will dissolve, your half a car, half a coffee machine and half a couch will be tussled with. The cold winds will blow, and you will find yourself, rocking in foetal again. Pandemic says watch the news and stay anxiously vigilant of your mortality. This my friends, is only just the beginning of THE worst trauma episode of ones life. The memories are still pulsing in waves, and I dare not leave a warm golden glow that I have self created under the guise of “self love” -the only thing combating that cold wet engulfing terror. WARM. GOLDEN. GLOW.

And so with the lack of travel to the warm golden glow of THE YELLOW CITY, my beloved Hoi An. With no sunny beach escape to Vietnam this winter, The Trauma Cake was created. The alchemy of trauma. The antidote to trauma. A warm golden soft sweet creamy cake that only your most repressed memories and dreams can delight in. Trauma recall is more often non lineal, non verbal, and never to be discussed casually. This cake however, will definitely help. Especially if coma is the goal.

Layers of The Trauma Cake:

Gingerbread made with whole roasted and freshly ground spices. (because we need warm spices, and the gingerbread house is a child hood favourite with a pinch of trauma, old ladies and hot ovens)

Turmeric Cheesecake. (golden yellow, the cure for cancer, and cheesecake is a classic for comfort)

Roasted Hazelnut Praline. (sweet and nutty as all get up)

Baked Pears. (seasonal, appropriate and so feminine)

Salted caramel. (ooze. we need flowing ooze, let the memory real flow, let the healing take place)

Silk Meringue Buttercream. (by the spoonful, because you can)

Hazelnut Brittle. (shiny, pretty, twinkle glassy and perfect for top line fantasy)

So if you need to get busy, to keep avoiding that trauma, if it is too late and the trauma has caught up with you, or if you are one of those humans that does not have such a thing as trauma (you will know, you are probably a functioning adult who copes with life, processes things well and has a house and job-and often cite people with trauma as “less than”, nut jobs, crazies, undisciplined or unfortunates) then I highly recommend you make this cake. Better still, you can order one from me (most likely, but maybe not-because it depends entirely on how my trauma is affecting my work capabilities).

Oh! And if anyone ACTUALLY makes this I TOTALLY (said with teenage gurl American accent) want to see this. Hashtag it with #artfoodculture_traumacake so I can find it.

Trauma Cake Recipe

Gingerbread Cake:

150g plain flour

3g bicarb

3g baking powder

5g gr ginger

3g gr cinnamon

3g gr nutmeg

2g gr cloves

95g brown sugar

• place in bowl

125g milk

1 x egg

• beat tog and stir into flour

63g butter

170g treacle

• melt, cool, stir into cake batter till combined

• cook in 2 x lined 20cm springform, 180c 20mins or until pulling away from sides.

Cheesecake:

140g sugar

2g salt

500g creamcheese

2 x eggs

300ml sour cream

5g turmeric

40g lemon juice

• blend with a mixer or blender until lumpfree and completely smooth

• cook in 2 x 20cm lined springform tins 170c 40 mins

• set overnight in fridge

Roasted pears:

• slice and core brown skinned pears

• lay on baking tray, sprinkle with sugar

• roast till browned and a little crisp on edges

• cool overnight

Hazelnut Prailine:

• 2 x cups hazelnuts on a tray and roast in oven till skins split (about 10 mins)

• let cool, then rub off skins and place on clean cookie tray

• melt 2 cups sugar and 3tbs water in a saucepan bring to boil and boil until golden

• pour over the top of the hazelnuts

• lets cool completely before pulverising 2/3 in a blender

• crack the rest into bite size pieces (by hand) for the cakes garnish.

Swiss Meringue Buttercream:

120g eggwhites

175g sugar

2g cream of tartare

2g salt

• whisk together over hot water until 70c

• take off heat and ballon whisk in stand mixer 5 mins until 30c and stiff peaks form

270g soft butter

• add diced butter a few tbs at a time until incorporated

50g warm water (or burnt caramel syrup)

• whisk in

Burnt Caramel Syrup:

• melt 1/2 cup sugar in saucepan and then cook till dark golden

• arrest cooking with 3tbs water

• let cool before using

To Assemble:

• gingerbread

• buttercream

• praline

• cheesecake

• buttercream

• pears

• buttercream

• gingerbread

• buttercream

• cheesecake

• buttercream cream

• praline

• pears

• buttercream around sides

• pour over burnt caramel to drizzle down sides

• top with chucks of hazelnut brittle (praline)

• let set in fridge for a few hours

• cut

• eat

• photograph it

• post on your media

• hashtag it #artfoodculture_traumacake

• eatmore

PS: some, none or all of the above events may or may not be true, only my mates know, but then, maybe they dont? Never write your feelings down, never incriminate yourself. Dont create more trauma by asking me about it either. I have professionals on the case ;-)

Do order cake